Thursday, March 26, 2015

Thursday's Ways Not To Die

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L.A. Law
"Good to the Last Drop" (aired March 21, 1991)

Say hello to one of the transformative moments of my childhood! It's been a very long time so forgive me if I'm wrong (and I'm determined to do this from memory and not look up the details, which are surely online at Wikipedia or something) but my memory of this spectacle from LA Law is this:

Rosalind Shays (and yes, I do remember the character's name to this day) had been a ball-buster on the show for quite awhile, but that little fellow Leland warmed her over, even revealed her to be kinda of sad and sweet. Look at her adjusting his tie - such a delicate little character touch... just in time for the show to toss her down an open elevator shaft!

I can remember my 13 year old brain just snapping, all the gears suddenly reversing their direction, in this moment. A high-water mark of what-the-fuckery, this one, and I adore it. (Thanks to Joe Reid and Previously TV's tournament for reminding me!) Below's the full video (and if you hit the jump you'll find links to all the Previous Ways Not to Die):
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I Am Link

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--- Just Say Idris - It's a good week to be Idris Elba's agent - yesterday there was the news that Idris is replacing Jamie Foxx in Harmony Korine's new movie, and today there's the news that Idris is probably going to play the villain in the third Star Trek movie! I'm a little nervous about the rumor that he'll be a Klingon though... it is very very difficult... probably entirely impossible (I know somebody's going to argue with me about this)... to remain sexy with that damn Klingon make-up on your head. I don't want Idris under that stuff!
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--- Grand Ol Gipper - This is the greatest thing I have heard since... well since this morning when Jake Gyllenhaal maybe joined the Tom Ford movie. Whatever, I get excited about things, sue me! Bruce Campbell is going to play Ronald Reagan, yes that Ronald Reagan, in the second season of Fargo. Apparently the character of the actor-turned-prez will show up on the show, which is flashing back to the 70s this time around, whilst on the campaign trail.
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--- Jock Dandy - There's a new interview with Everybody's Second Favorite Tighty-Whities Wearing Murderer Finn Wittrock over at Out magazine (thanks Mac) where he talks about puppies and gay people, perhaps not in that order. (Beware spoilers for Unbroken though.) There's also word that he's playing a football player in his next project, and about this news I could be called enthusiastic.
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--- Great Loss - Sufjan's album Carrie and Lowell has been streaming online for a bit now, I hope everyone's gotten a chance to listen to it and cry your self silly. I've still not stopped crying and I've been listening to it for weeks now! It will never end. There's a fine interview with Sufjan by Dave Eggers over at The Guardian - this is probably the best one I've read so far. It gave me the most complete picture of what Sufjan's family was like.
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--- On The Lamb - In news about other waifish folksy indie musicians that I have giant crushes on (that's a bigger category than you'd think) Ari Picker, the great ex-lead of the great ex-band Lost in the Trees has composed a piece of music he's calling "Lion and the Lamb" and it's premiering down in North Carolina, which is where Ari's from. In this interview about it Ari has this horrifying thing to say about being a front-man for a band...

"I don't know where I sit anymore, but all I know is I can't tour anymore. I've lost my mind. Maybe I'll be a carpenter."

He always seemed super shy on stage but that was part of his charm! Oh I love you Ari, don't go. I don't care what he says, I refuse to believe Lost in the Trees are over. Refuse!
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--- Sweet Song - A filmmaker named Andy Mingo is going to co-write an adaptation of Chuck Palahniuk's book Lullaby and direct it; apparently the two worked together on a short film adaptation of a story in Chuck's upcoming short story collection and they enjoyed each other so much they're doing it again. I am pretty sure I read Lullaby and remember absolutely nothing about it (save the basic storyline, which is usually the most memorable part of a Palahniuk book). All I want is an Invisible Monsters movie, dammit.
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--- Brit Invasion - Former Dr. Who and gay-sex-enthusiast (at least on film) Matt Smith is maybe going to play the lead in the Harry Potter spin-off series Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, about an adventurer who travels the globe looking for all those great animals JK Rowling came up with slash stole. Anyway with Dr. Who & Harry Potter smooshed up like this all it will take is one Spice Girl playing a witch and this movie will be too British too function.
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--- Counselor Chaos - I keep seeing Nick Antosca, who just got hired to write the new Friday the 13th movie, credited as a writer on Hannibal, but IMDb has him listed as a producer of the show, not a writer. Anyway whatever he does for Hannibal I feel like that's a wonderful connection to carry over to Jason Voorhees. Let's hope he can do for that masked maniac what Bryan Fuller did for the cannibal!
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With A Name Like Johnson

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How bizarre to hear Aaron Johnson described as a "DILF." I mean yes it's true, he's the father of two probably lovely children. But dude's only 24 - I literally have a t-shirt that's just 4 years younger than him. (Don't ask me why I have a t-shirt that's two decades old but I do and I wear it all the time. Comfort beats sanity, always.) 

Anyway I wish Aaron said something interesting in the interview attached to these pictures (via, thanks Mac) so I could offer something more than just the pictures and my own ramblings about ratty t-shirts, but it's all "I'm settled down and boring now!" bullshit and that's not what anybody wants to listen to. 

I mean just make shit up, Aaron. Tell us you were touching yourself in the corner while you watched your wife film Jamie Dornan's penis, it's okay! I mean, we're gonna think it anyway.


Nick Zano Seven Times

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These are via a couple of different photo-shoots (the majority are via Interview Magazine) but I guess I had some catch-up to play with Nick - I hear he's got a sitcom on NBC right now? Something about lesbians? Well if there's room for Nick Zano to take his clothes off on a lesbian sitcom you guys let me know, and I'll be there so so quick. Hit the jump for all of the pictures...

Why Won't You Scream For Me, Julian Morris

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I didn't know that my boyfriend Julian Morris was even supposed to be on Ryan Murphy's upcoming show Scream Queens, but apparently he was... and now he isn't. That's what several Tumblr sites are reporting anyway, and if you can't trust random Tumblr sites run by godknowswho then I don't know what you can trust. (This Tumblr has lots of pictures of people on the set of the show anyway, if you want to see such things.) Well that's a shame. Now I'm sad. Here's a picture of Julian kissing a puppy so I can feel better...

... yup, I feel better.
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More Like Fast West

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One thing I didn't mentioned when I posted the trailer for Slow West (aka The Michael Fassbender In Longjohns Movie) earlier this week was the film's release date and if I'd realized it was so soon you'd better believe I'd have mentioned it. The movie is being released on DirecTV in just three weeks! It'll hit that service on April 16th. And then it will hit theaters and other on-demand services a month later on May 15th. It's actually hitting DirecTV two days before I'm seeing it at the Tribeca Film Festival!

Another thing I didn't mention when I posted on the trailer -- I mean, can I really be blamed for getting distracted when they're showing me Michael Fassbender in longjohns? I mean really? -- is how astonishingly pretty the trailer is, and how much I'd be looking forward to this even without that bulging kicker.

Seeing it via DirecTV almost feels like a crime - I think this thing's going to wow on a big screen. It's reminding me of Jauja, the Viggo movie I just brought up this morning, in that way. And they both remind me of Kelly Reichardt's film Meek's Cutoff. I suppose it's the boxy framing of all three that is doing it, but man this is good company for movies to be in.


Which is Hotter?

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After I was somewhat dismissive of Looking in my post about its cancellation yesterday I did feel a twinge of guilt for what was - it maybe wasn't what I signed up for after that great first season and it certainly wasn't turning into a show I was... enjoying... but What It Stood For did indeed matter (I think Richard Lawson made a good case why) and the absence its cancellation leaves on TV is sizable. And maybe with a third season Lannon & Co could've actually found an equilibrium. Anyway it's Groff's 30th birthday and in this spirit of mild reconciliation we're wishing him a happy one. By judging!



Which is the hotter Jonathan Groff?

Peacemaker Groff in Taking Woodstock0%
Warmonger Groff in American Sniper0%

Make Jake Look Good

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When I shared the news on Tuesday about Tom Ford's new movie I did so with interest (if I weren't interested I wouldn't have shared it at all, natch) but it probably wasn't the most enthusiastic display I've ever made about something. Only now, with last night's casting rumor revealed, do I now see the folly of that way. I should've figured out a way for the news to shoot literal fireworks right in your face as you read it, because we should be so excited our eyebrows are literally on fire. So let's try this again: Variety says that Tom Ford is going to direct Nocturnal Animals, based on Austin Wright's book called Tony and Susan, and it's maybe probably going to star Amy Adams and JAKE. I know I gave the game away early with that picture of him up top... I suppose that's our fireworks. 

Or that picture is our fireworks. That is of course Matthew Goode in A Single Man, Tom Ford's previous directing credit. I'm tempted to photo-shop Jake's head onto his body, but you get the idea. What I'm saying is, is...
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It's been awhile since somebody served up Piping Hot Gyllenhaal on a platter for us... probably since that sexy dud Love and Other Drugs in 2010... since then he's been skinnied down or spastic or shaved or yellowed over. It is time. Oh and...

... there's a rumor that Aaron Johnson could co-star, as well. 
So stick that in your trousers and light it.
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Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:


Female Voice: T- D, S- Z- Th, B- T- V, H- T- D- K- G, S- Z- P- B, Ba-Ba- T- T, K- Kuh- Ch, Th- V- Th, Zzz- Sss- Bzz- Ch, B-B-Buh- V-V-Vuh, G-G-Guh D-D-Duh. B-B-Buh- B-B-Buh, B-B-Beh, B-B-Beh, Bah, N-N-Nuh- N-N-Nuh, N-N-Nuh- No. N-N-Nuh, F- Feel- Field, Fill- Filled- Filts, Foil- Failed- Fell, Felds- Pill- Pills, Pall- Nall. Foal- Foals, Fold- Fold, Pool- Pool, Sell- Se... 
Jonathan Glazer's probable masterpiece (it is probably a little early to fling around the word, but still,  this sucker's a good pile of movie)  is going for less than fifteen bucks on Amazon this week! I think I'll finally scoop up my copy, I've been clamoring to rewatch.
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Good Morning, World

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I cannot for the life of me figure out what movie that picture (plus two more you'll eventually see down below) of shirtless Viggo Mortensen  is from so if anybody knows, let her rip. It's not really the reason we're here though - we're here because I saw Viggo's new movie Jauja this past weekend (it's so pretty you'll want to lick the screen but it's maybe a little too in love with its own staticity) and so I'm feeling Viggo right now which led me to...

... a set of pictures of him in the 1992 flick Ruby Cairo (also called Deception, co-starring Liam Neeson and Andie MacDowell) which I had never seen before and dear lord, this might be the hottest I've ever seen him.

How have I never seen these pictures before? Look at him! Unf. That's some prime Mortensen right there. Hit the jump for more, plus a couple more pictures from whatever that first movie is...

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:

LA Story (1991)

Harris: SanDeE*... your breasts feel weird.
SanDeE*: Oh that's cuz they're real.

I'd totally forgotten that Sarah Jessica Parker's character spells her name "SanDeE*" in this movie - god I love LA Story. I haven't watched it in years and years though - time for a revisit! Oh and a happy 50 to SJP today. I might not be the world's biggest Sex and the City fan but she's made a ton of movies in the 90s that I loved. 

Actually now that I think about it, SJP would be perfect for one of my "Three Thumbs Up" posts, where I choose three performances that I like from an actor that I don't. Saying that I "don't like" SJP might be an overstatement - I grew tired of Sex and the City's schtick quick but she was generally not my problem, and I find her presence charming despite myself. Sex and the City just swallowed ALL the air in the room, ya know? So let's step in the time machine and remember a world before Carrie Bradshaw...

Ed Wood (1994) - The voice of sanity in an insane world... an insane world that thankfully has no patience for boring ol' sanity and her cutesy-poo ringlets. But Parker's very funny constantly side-eyeing the weirder and weirder proceedings, and slowly inching her way the hell outta there.

Mars Attacks (1996) - How strange that Tim Burton brought out the best from her. I suppose her hard sharp angles attract the cartoonist in him - she's a pencil's idea of a hot chick. But I'll be dog damned if that image of her merged with a chihuahua isn't the greatest thing she's ever done.

The First Wives Club (1996) -- I contemplated a few of her roles for this third choice - I remember being okay with The Family Stone, and digging Honeymoon in Vegas way way back when, for instance. And here's a shocker of a factoid for you: I have never seen Hocus Pocus all the way through! But I love First Wives Club and First Wives Club isn't the kind of movie I'm gonna blog about unless it sneaks up on me like this, so let's say First Wives Club for number three. She's clearly having a blast making you hate her, anyway.

What's your favorite SJP performance?
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Quit Looking

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I'm sure you guys have heard by now that Looking has been cancelled - there will be no third season, but they will apparently get to make a movie to wrap things up (show-creator Michael Lannon confirmed it on Twitter)... so there's that. 

I seem to've gone off reservation with my dislike of the second season - all the reviews I've been reading keep talking about the show coming into its own this year but I vastly preferred the delicate and purposeful first season, while I spent a hefty chunk of the past ten episodes grinding my teeth down in frustration.

Looking might've had the smarts to make meta-jokes about how everybody wanted it to be Queer as Folk, but I still often felt as if I was watching something as dunder-headed as Queer as Folk this year as it tried and tried to drum up fake drama with too many excruciating question mark scenes. If I'm never reminded of the scene where Patrick got drunk at a party and was allowed to make a spectacle of himself in front of everybody it will still be too soon. Or when he crammed himself along to the funeral of a person he didn't know. Or really 90% of everything having to do with Patrick this year. (I'm still on-board with The Dom & Doris Show though.)

And I hope you know that it's not that I'm against characters being unlikable or doing dumb things - The Comeback and Enlightened are two of my favorites shows, for god's sake. So much of where Looking went this year just felt inorganic and false to me. Tacked on to fight the "boring" tag that got last year but ending up in some in-between zone, neither nor.

Point being I would've been sad to see it go ten episodes ago, but Looking has just became a chore for me and I'd been contemplating not watching it anymore anyway. So I'm glad to be off the hook, basically! I mean, I'd grown to dislike the characters so much that I actually found myself recoiling from the screen when Jonathan Groff and Russell Tovey were half-naked and making out. What even IS that? How does that happen? So... sorry, Russell Tovey's Butt. We'll find something for you to do.